Wednesday 27 June 2012

So is he disabled then?

Sometimes I am shocked by the things that come out of people's mouths.  I have been told more times than I can count that I look far too young to be a mother, often in a very rude way, but this is something I am now so used to it goes straight over my head.  I know that age plays no factor in how good a parent you can be, and I have enough unconditional love for my son I know I am a good mother for him.  I am also much older than they think I look.

Today I had a new one though, directed not at me but at my son.  A stranger came over on the train.  A middle aged woman who wanted to coo at Dylan as he had been proclaiming his love for dadadada throughout the journey.  She touched his hand and asked me his age and I replied that he is ten months old.  'Oh' she said, 'So he is walking now?'.  'No' I replied, thinking it was rather unusual for a ten month old to be walking unaided although more and more of his friends are starting to take those shaky first steps.  'So he is crawling?'  Was her reply.  This is something I am a little sensitive about, and I have written already about the fact that he seems to be the last one to crawl.  I answered her informing her that he was not  crawling, and her response completely shocked me.

'So does he have a disability?'

What do you respond to that?  What business is it of hers whether he does or doesn't?  As a matter of fact he doesn't.  He is a big boy and needs more muscle and energy to move himself than his smaller peers.  And he is content.  He is quite happy sat where he is playing with whatever he can reach.  He can roll across the room to get to something he needs with ease but he rarely feels the need.  10 months may be the later end of when they start to crawl but it is still completely normal.  He is a healthy, happy ten month old boy.

sleeping baby, ten month old baby, 12kg baby

So am I over-reacting or is it just plain rude to ask if a child is disabled?

45 comments:

  1. Its plain rude. No over-reaction. Why on earth would someone ask that, especially when 10 months, although late to crawl is by no means unusual (my friend's little boy, who is also big, didn't crawl until 17months when he got up one day and walked the length of the room). My daughter didn't crawl until 10 months but she wasn't the last of her friends

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    1. She didn't seem to notice that what she had said was rude either! Thanks for commenting. I know he will get there in his own time

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  2. She was very rude. My very average (bang on 50th centile) daughter didn't even roll over until 11.5 months, but went from there to walking within three months. I was also amazed how many people asked if she was crawling/walking at an age where I was sure she shouldn't be expected to. Your boy looks perfect - and 10.5 months is when my DD started to crawl, and she then walked at 14 months.

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    1. D is above the 98th percentile and 12kg is a lot to drag around for such a little person but he can roll and get into everything he wants to still! I think some children do things really early and the others are expected to follow when in actual fact they are all completely unique and we should embrace that!

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  3. Some people just don't seem to think. It was none of her business. He will crawl in his own time - actually he may not some children just go straight to cruising. I have had a few friends who have had people say hurtful things about their children, one of which does have a disability. I wouldn't dream of commenting on someones baby like that. Infact a friend of mine even upset me one day my referring to my big man as precocious, middle man as stroppy and baby man would bring himself up! People need to think before they speak xxx

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    1. It is amazing what some people think it is acceptable to say! I wish I was a bit faster at coming up with a witty answer, I usually just stand there looking gobsmacked. Even if he was disabled it is no business of hers!

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  4. why oh why are we rushing every one through the stages? Tell anyone to feck off! Its hard enough when your a little sensitive about it anyway. One thing I have learnt from my beautiful Erin this year is not to rush. She has overcome more than her fair share. Your little one is still well within the 'normal ranges' so try to ignore.

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    1. Everyone else is telling me to enjoy it as I can generally put him down and he will stay put! He is already growing up so fast as you say we should not rush them and enjoy them being babies. Thanks for commenting

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  5. Omg! I think I would have gone mental at her. Did you say something? Finn is 13 months now, and doesn't crawl or walk, corrected he is about 11months and personally I think he's just a lazy so and so :) definitely not over reacting xxx

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    1. Dylan is definitely lazy, I think it is a boy thing!

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  6. My sister has a disabled daughter (brain damage due to complicated birth) and this was one of the things she feared the most and why she wouldn't take her young baby out as she said she couldn't deal with people asking her "what was wrong" etc I assured her that this wouldn't happen and people wouldn't be so insensitive luckily when she did finally take her out on her own (at around a year old !) nothing was said but i am disgusted that the lady felt that was an appropriate question anyone would be offended.
    I also have 2 children my eldest is 8 youngest 3, my eldest didn't walk untill she was 17 months but could talk from 7 months and my youngest walked at 10 months but a lot less academic so they all do things at different stages ur little man might not ever crawl and jus go straight to walking.

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    1. Your poor sister! People should never feel that they can't take their children out through fear of what others might say.
      Maybe Dylan will balance it out by being really smart!? However he develops I will love him the same

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  7. OMG! I cannot believe someone just asked you that without knowing you or your gorgeous little boy! My son didn't crawl until he was 12 months old, actually it was just after his first birthday. He was a big baby too, so it takes them longer to start walking.
    Please take no notice, some people speak without thinking!
    Dylan is gorgeous and there is nothing wrong with him! :) x

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    1. He is gorgeous isn't he! I couldn't resist putting a completely irrelevant picture of him on the post haha. You cannot tell at all by 2 who has been walking 6 months and who 16 so I know it will all balance out. x

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  8. I agree that is totally inappropriate! I commented on your first post about crawling - Dylan will definitely get there in his own time! Eli crawled at 11 months, now just two months later he's taking his first steps. Totally different to his sister but fine for him. I'm stunned someone would be so insensitive x

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    1. Thanks for commenting on both, It is really reassuring to hear from others whose babies were not crawling by this age. I think Dylan will out of the blue one day just stand up and go. I think boys are much lazier than girls too by the sound of things! x

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    2. My boy is definitely lazier! But I know how rubbish it can feel to be at baby/toddler groups and for you to be the only one whose baby isn't mobile. Even at nursery I had comments from parents whose younger children were walking. I've a bee in my bonnet at the moment about why parents criticise each other and I agree we should celebrate that our children are not all the same - how boring would that be? Sorry, turned into a bit of a rant lol x

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  9. It always amazes me what people think it is ok to say. Having twins, I get asked all sorts of things, for example 'are they natural?' There are so many responses I would like to give but I'm just not as rude as them... Children all develop at different rates and do things in different orders, and I'm seeing that really clearly with my twins. He'll do it when he's ready.

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    1. I think it is time we started celebrating our children's uniqueness and stopped feeling like they have to comply with the set schedule. As you say they all develop at different rates and Dylan just isn't a mover yet x

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  10. Every baby is different.

    My DS was crawling at 6 months. My nethew wasn't crawling until 15 months.

    But if you look at a kindergarten class, or infants class whatever your equivalent is :) they are all at the same level. By school age kids have caught up with each other physically and we as parents forget our previous worries in favor of social and mental worries.

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    1. Give it 6 months and you won't be able to tell who was crawling/ walking when, you are right! I don't think D will ever crawl, looking forward to his first steps though, whenever he is ready

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  11. When you have a child you become public property and everyone sees to think its ok to comment.

    My son was born at 27 weeks and I copped it continually. I didn't want to lie about his age, but I nearly did on several occasions.

    Crawling isn't an offical milestone, some babies never crawl.

    People can be just so horrible at times, but I think in this case its shined a light on something you are sensitive about and seems 100x worse. I know that's how I felt when it happened to us.

    Joseph didn't walk til 2 so I became quite good at just batting it back and not taking it in.

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    1. I have heard some of the insensitive things people said to you and can't believe how rude they are! I don't see Dylan ever crawling

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  12. Yes it is rude and extremely ignorant. The cheek of her!

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  13. Can't believe someone would ask something like that! Totally out of line and absolutely none of her business.

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  14. Hiya Bex,
    Sorry I missed you last week! I don't know whether Jane has mentioned but I'm a paediatric physio. I have seen lots of children for assessments, those who have disabilities, those who are delayed and those who are just fine. I just thought I'd reassure you that the conclusions above are all absolutely correct. I used to work in an area where children were referred to us if they weren't walking by 18 months. I spent ages assessing these children, and sending most of them and their parents away with assurances that they were developing completely normally. They just weren't quite walking yet. I always offered to re-assess at 22-24 months if parents wanted and I never had any come back. Children are all different and in all my assessments and observations I'm yet to meet the "normal" one.
    Ali x

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    1. Gutted to have missed meeting you, hopefully next time you are down! I don't see why D won't be walking at 18 months as he is trying to pull himself up (although he can only get onto his knees at the moment) and he loves standing up and walking around furniture (albeit rather clumsily). Thanks for the reassurance though, I haven't met a 'normal' child either - mine is special :)

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  15. Like everyone else is saying - don't worry about Dylan crawling. (Mine is 14 months and has never shown any interest in it, he's only just getting it now and has been bottom shuffling instead). I really think it's true that some babies develop mobility first and others socially. There will be things that your baby does that your mum friends will be envious of - like being content. Seriously, make the most of the fact that for now he will still be in the same place you left him :)

    As for that woman's comments, its amazing how once you're pregnant and then have your baby it's like you're public property and people feel able to say what they like. People are amazingly thoughtless sometimes and don't realise how offensive and worrying their comments are. Please put this stupid woman out of your mind! x

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    1. D is incredibly verbal and loves being around other children so think he is a talker not a walker although they all get there one day! Thanks for commenting

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  16. I think you did very well to refrain yourself and not punch the woman in the face.

    As lots of comments have said, all babies and children develop at a different rate. Our little man can do things other children his age can't but on the otherside he can't do things others can. He will get there in his own time.

    As for crawling many don't even get to crawling stage, my neice by passed it all together, our little man sort of catterpillers but very unlikely that will develop much beyond it.

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  17. Oh my god! As if she actually had the nerve to say such a thing! Baby's develop in their own time and are all different in their own way. How did you respond. I think I would be lost or words!

    Dylan is gorgeous, he's happy and he's healthy. He will move when he is ready. Grrr people and their judgemental minds!

    Xx

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  18. I'd love to have known what you would have said if you could have. I think I would have been quite pointed and made it clear that I thought her question was offensive. But then again, maybe she has a baby in her family with a disability - who knows what drives people to be so rude

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  19. It is rude. The mind boggles at what other people think is actually any of their business. But then on the other hand I can see that asking about a disability shouldn't be seen as offensive, on the grounds that there's nothing 'wrong' with being disabled? I don't know... I would have spent the rest of the morning making up replies that I'd wish I'd said though ;o)

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  20. It is very rude- I am sure she didn't mean it to be but it was rude all the same. People are so insensitive. x

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  21. Oh my, that is so rude and totally inappropriate! Some babies are just more laid back than others. I knew one once who wouldn't walk until he was almost 2 (he just preferred to crawl) and then one day he just stood up and started running everywhere!

    I know quite a few babies who don't start crawling properly until around 10 months too (Oscar only got the hang of going forwards at nearly 10 months) and some seem to bypass crawling altogether and just wait until they can walk!

    Jeez, some people can be so rude and ignorant. Good to hear her comment made you mad rather than doubt yourself xx

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    1. Have a feeling D will never crawl and may walk instead although nothing in the next few weeks. Looking forward to it when he decides it is time!

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  22. That is very very rude! What a horrible person to say that. x

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  23. HOW RUDE! Some people have absolutely no sense of how to behave.

    My daughter didn't start crawling until she was 11 months, all babies develop in their own time.

    Dylan is SUPER SCRUMMY by the way x

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  24. Oh Bec, I was gob-smacked reading this! What a strange thing for a stranger to say to you. Firstly, what gives anybody the right to ask what stage of development Dylan is at anyway? Secondly, to them make her very own assessment that he simply must be disabled because he had not reached her version of what a "normal" baby should be doing a t 10 months! and thirdly, it highlights the sad reality that a great deal of society belive disabled children/ people are less or not equal to that of a typical developing baby... its sad that we have to catogorise babies or people in general in to either being disabled or normal... society has a long way to go... (i will get off of my soap box now!)

    Abbey xxx

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    1. Thanks for the comment Abbey, I know Dylan is perfect even if they don't!

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  25. I would have felt offended by that comment. My children are both disabled (they are visually impaired and have worn glasses since they were six weeks old) It used to irritate the hell out of me that total strangers felt they could comment on trains, in the supermarket etc. I lost count of the number of times I was asked 'why does that baby wear glasses?' - I wish i had been quicker and more confident. - If I had I would have told them it was a new baby fashion accessory - grrr.
    PS my daughter did nothing in terms of crawling until she was about 13 months and she didn't walk until she was nearly 20 months. Enjoy it while it lasts. There's no stopping them once they crawl!

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    1. That seems to be the main message, I am enjoying him being vaguely where I left him at the moment!

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  26. What a joke. Funny no one ever asks me about Gray. Too chicken I guess. Kids develop at different ages in different aspects. Addy walked at 8mths but at 13mths still does not talk or eat finger foods. That lady was just rude xx

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    1. They all do things differently, it is hard to keep Dylan quiet but he is now eleven months and still no crawling! They will all get there in the end of course - thanks for commenting lovely x

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