Wednesday 29 July 2015

Dylan and I

He is the one who made me a mama, and for that he will always be not only my son, but my teacher. He is so big in so many ways, and still so small in others and I have to remind myself so regularly that he is only three.

Before him, I didn't exist, not as the person I am now anyway.  He was born to a twenty three year old girl who hadn't really held a baby before.  She hadn't changed a nappy, pushed a pram or felt that love that takes over every cell in your body before.  I held him for the first time, I knew his name  - we knew his name even though we hadn't agreed on it until that moment, and somehow nearly four years have passed.



I got 18 months of Dylan, before we had to share each other.  I wondered for a long time whether I was doing the right thing, having another baby so soon, such a small age gap but I know now that it was the perfect timing for our family.  I watch him with his brothers, so patient, so caring and I know that he is what he was meant to be.  Since Archie was little, I have tried to make time just for him though.  To start with that meant standing out in the garden, splashing in puddles whilst his brother was having a nap.  As he got older, we started having our special mornings sometimes, when we would go to the cinema and out for lunch, just the two of us.

Finn came along, and things got tough.  Nothing was as it should be, and nobody was in the right place.  For the longest three weeks, we slept under seperate roofs, him at home with his Daddy and brother, and Finn and I in hospital.  He needed me, I needed him but a special care baby unit is no place for a three year old and visits had to be short.  When we came home, I needed him to be a little quieter sometimes, to have only a third of me rather than a half sometimes and he adapted, because that is just the way he is.

Now we are on the horizon of something huge.  September sees him starting infant school as a just-turned four year old, and the end of taking life at our pace.  He is so big, so ready for school in so many ways.  He can't wait, he talks about his classroom, about the things he will learn and play with, about what he will eat for lunch, and on the settling in sessions he walked off without even looking back.  My boy has so much confidence, so much trust in people and I know he will thrive in this new environment.  

Then he comes out of his session, showing me his artwork, pointing out the things he has done, and as we get round the corner, his thumb goes in his mouth, his eyes start to droop and I realise how exhausted he is.  He still needs a nap most days, he needs a lot of sleep, and his not quite 4 year old legs are so busy all day that they need a rest.  My independent boy just wants to sit on the sofa with me, my arm around his neck and his head resting on me.  He can be ready to fly off at moments and then desperate for familiarity.

We very rarely get time just us two, that is how things are with two small brothers around, but there are the odd moment.  This week we sat in our favourite little coffee shop sharing a milkshake and reading books whilst the little two snoozed in the double buggy.  It was just us for a short time, and I remembered what amazing company he can be, so smart, so inquisitive, so sweet.  He talks to me when his brothers are not there, in a different way, he tells me more when it is just us, and I know we need more time like this to keep us as we are.

He may be nearly 4, but he is still my baby boy.  He is still the first one I held, the first one I fed, carried, rocked to sleep and loved with all my heart.  He is growing up so fast, but he still needs me so much and I need him.  He is still my teacher, and I am learning every day how to parent three different children.  He has taught me what I know and every new road we have to cross, we are crossing together.  I know how much he wants to go to school, I know he will be walking in every morning without a backwards glance, but I may be the parent sat outside the school gates sobbing as I realise how much I miss him not being around all day.

Photos by the amazing Amber of Goblin Child

Dylan and I are a pair, we are so alike in so many ways, but we are also part of our little team.

21 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. With regards school, my youngest started less than 2 weeks after her 4th Birthday and still regularly took an afternoon nap. I made a promise to myself & told the teacher that, if I thought she was too tired, I would either keep her off school or collect her at lunchtime. In the end, she adjusted just fine but it was always an option.

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    1. Great to know, Dylan's school is small and they seem lovely, so I hope that they will be flexible if we need it

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  2. I loved this post, really really sweet (and as I am 31 weeks pregnant, and slightly hormonal, I will admit to it making me sniff a little :)) Good luck to your big little boy when he starts school in September, he sounds like he will take it all in his stride... :)

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  3. This is an absolutely gorgeous post - really beautifully written and moving. Your boys sound gorgeous. I think boys steal our hearts, don't they? Yours sound lucky to have you. Hope school goes brilliantly.

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  4. Oh Bex, this is beautiful and it made me think of Athena in that same way. Thank you for this x

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  5. Oh this is such a lovely post, because it's how I feel about Kitty, especially that she has to take the smallest third of me because her brother really really needs me and her sister gets a smidgen more because she's still nursing. And I've had nearly five years and I still don't think I'm ready for it to be school time!

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  6. What a lovely post and so moving to read!

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  7. Starting school is so hard. I still miss my 8 year old.

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  8. Beautiful post and such stunning pictures. I always feel a little guilty trying to divide my time between them all, but it is important to make time x

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  9. Bex this is just gorgeous! Dylan is such a caring little boy and a real credit to you xx

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  10. What a beautiful post. Our children are just amazing, real echos of us and all that has been

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  11. Awww what a lovely post, so much love. I feel like this with my son. xx

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  12. This is so beautiful, Becky. Having met your children I can attest to what thoroughly lovely children they are - no wonder you're going to miss Dylan when he's at school all day!

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  13. What a beautiful post. I can relate to so much of it, my not so little firstborn turns eighteen this Autumn and I always try and reserve that special time, however small it is. You sound an amazing mum, to one amazing little boy :) re school - it's a full year before he needs to receive an education officially, remember that and keep your faith in your mummy instinct. Half days never hurt anyone at that age ;)

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  14. What a lovely post, Becky, your first born sounds like an amazing, sweet and strong little boy!xx

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  15. Oh you have really got me with this post, I am properly choked. Such a beautiful post! My little Bugs was just 4 when he started school last year and he has had an amazing first year. Dylan sound like an amazing, caring loving little boy and you are such a wonderful Mummy xxx

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  16. This was such a beautiful post Becky, Dylan sounds like an amazing little boy, a great son and big brother x

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  17. This is such a lovely, moving post xxx

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  18. aw what a lovely post and adorable picture to start it with too , its always worrying them starting school, x

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  19. As you may remember, my Syd is almost exactly the same age as Dylan - except he is the youngest of three, not the oldest - he is still my baby! I cannot believe they are off to school in September - am reassured to read that Dylan still naps some days, so does Syd - am thinking of starting him off on half days for a few weeks while he gets used to it!

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  20. This is so heart-felt, I have a lump in my throat. Just beautiful!

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