One in The Morning

It feels like you have only just arrived, I still think of you as a little baby in most ways, but life without you seems so distant a memory too.  You are the baby we didn't know we needed to complete our family and tomorrow my tiny boy, you turn one.

You may have no idea what a birthday is but your siblings definitely do.  Cora told everyone we saw in the supermarket today when we were out buying party food that it was your birthday tomorrow.  The boys ask about what you want, who your friends are and whether you will be allowed some cake and every one is is getting excited whilst you remain oblivious.  Being the youngest of five means there are a lot of people delighted about your milestones.

A year ago I had no idea you were about to arrive, I thought I had a few more days still. You were born on Saturday evening after a very quick labour and you were just perfect.  7lb 13oz of healthy baby boy, you looked like all your siblings and completely unique at the same time.  You were alert, you took me in as I memorised every part of you and I remembered how quickly a heart can grow.

This year you have changed from that tiny baby who just needed to be held to a much bigger baby who still needs to be held.  You feel safest in my arms and we still haven't spent more than about 3 hours apart.  You still rely heavily on breastmilk and you have no intention of sleeping anywhere other than in my bed for the foreseeable future. You are a complete Mummy's boy, although your love for music means Daddy is becoming much more interesting.  You press all the buttons on the speakers to let us know you want a tune and then bounce up and down dancing in delight when we turn something on.  You are inquisitive, cheeky and determined. 

I thought you would be early to walk as you were crawling and cruising by 9 months old but you have no interest in taking unaided steps yet.  You are much more interested in crawling up the stairs as fast as you can, giggling all the way and making sure someone is chasing you up.  You say Dadada and Mamama and something that sounds a lot like no.  You love music with your Daddy but with me you love books (two very happy parents if this continues).  You have 8 teeth and the dribbling is starting back up again so I am sure there are more to come.

As your birthday falls on a weekend, we are having a party on the day.  After your siblings have helped you explore your birthday gifts, we will head to the same hall where Archie and Finn had their first birthday and we will share cake with the people that love you.  I can't wait to celebrate what a little boy you are becoming, but before that moment I need to stop and take in everything you are now. The tiny boy curled up beside me as I write this is only going to get bigger, smarter and more independent and whilst the days might seem long at times, I know how lucky I am to get to spend them with you in my arms.  On your last night as an 11 month old, I want to give you an extra cuddle, a bonus kiss and let you know how loved you are.

Tomorrow my tiny boy, you will be one! 

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Tomorrow You are One

I always knew this was going to be an emotional post to write, and as I sat in tears shortly after you were born not knowing whether we would see this day and whether everything I hoped for you would come true, this day was just a distant wish.  Your birth was speedy and empowering, you were so tiny and so perfect and I felt complete as I held you in my arms as the sun rose on your first day.  I never expected our world to come crumbling down so soon after and as they wheeled you away from me a few hours later, I felt lost, helpless and terrified.

We were told you were born with a virus that would affect you for the rest of your life.  We were warned you would not grow up like your brothers, that the possibilities of your outcome were so wide that it was hard to speculate, but that there were things you may never do and milestones you may never reach.  We left hospital when you were three weeks old with a tiny baby who had his whole life ahead of him, whatever that may mean.

You didn't grow, you didn't try and when we got readmitted to hospital you were still as tiny and weak as a newborn.  Everything was going wrong, every certainty I had about the way I would parent you was being cruelly taken away from us and I struggled to remain positive when we had no idea what was going on.  

We reached a turning point though, about 4 months in when you rolled for the very first time.  I wasn't expecting it, I had learnt by then not to expect anything, but to take each day for what it was, to enjoy you exactly as you are and to find any progress so much more amazing than with the others.  Suddenly you were growing and developing and thriving in ways we hadn't even hoped for and you were smiley and sweet and still perfect.

This time last year I had no idea you would be making an appearance in just a few short hours and today I feel like a different person and a different parent to the one I was then.  Tomorrow you will wake up as a one year old, a beautiful, chunky, happy one year old.  You are exceeding every expectation we ever had and whilst we know things could change, I am continuing to appreciate every day and every milestone for what it is - a wonder.

Today you are crawling, pulling yourself up to standing and even taking a few tentative steps as you grip on tight to furniture or fingers.  You are babbling away, telling us all about your day, even if we don't understand quite what you have to say yet.  Once you finally got the hang of food, you started eating well and now you love feeding yourself, especially if you can find food on the floor.  You can clap and give us a hi 5, you can play and smile and laugh, you can blow kisses and you can entertain us all.  Your brothers adore you and Dylan proclaims you his best friend every day.  You love them right back, suddenly desperate to join in their games, to sit with them to watch tv, to share their snacks.  

We had a big party at the weekend for you and Archie and tomorrow we are not up to much.  Both the bloke and I have to work and Dylan is at school but it will be a special day regardless as it marks a year since you entered our world. 

This year has taught me patience, how to accept that some things are beyond my control, how to make a bottle, that sometimes we have to practice baby led parenting, even if it goes against what we know.  I have learned to juggle three under fours who all have such different and complex needs, I have met pretty much every pediatric member of staff at our local hospital and I have become an expert in a virus I had never heard of this time last year.  I have learned that no matter how many babies you have, every moment is precious, every milestone is an amazing achievement and that with the right friends and family around you, nothing is too big to get through. 

Tomorrow you are one and I owe most of this to you.  Your beautiful smile with those two little bottom teeth will be what wakes me up in the morning and your cuddles will inevitably be the start of my day.  You are perfect to us, you are thriving and you are a ray of sunshine in our everyday.

This has been a tough year and you are our miracle.  Happy Birthday baby boy, Happy Birthday Finn.  You are loved more than I ever knew you could be

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