Pregnancy at 23 vs 33

I don't think I had realised how much harder pregnancy would be at 33.  I am not considered an older mother yet, but compared to the 23 year old me who breezed through pregnancy, I feel like one.  My body took it in its stride back then, with mild tiredness in the first 12 weeks but a mostly easy ride but at 33 I found the first 13 weeks were so incredibly tough.  The nausea kicked in around dinner time and would sometimes wake me up in the night.  The tiredness was all consuming and some days I barely got out of bed.  There were aches and pains that I don't remember before and an overall feeling of weakness that I wasn't used to.

Of course looking back at 10 years ago, before I started blogging, before I recorded these things, I could be looking back with rose tinted glasses, but I know that it was never this tough.  The fact is my body is older, scarred, tired.  I have four children to balance, I have stomach muscles that remember how to fall apart at the first sight of those two blue lines, I have a job that allows me to work at home rather than forcing me to run around a restaurant  for 12 hour shifts and I just don't have the same energy and enthusiasm as first time Mum me.

I am in my second trimester now and things have eased, I have my energy back and the nausea has gone, but I still find myself aching after a busy day, holding my back in a way I didn't before and even though I still love this middle part of pregnancy, it feels very different from my first.

In other ways, being older and more experienced is wonderful.  I feel much more able to advocate for myself in the medical settings, I am not afraid to ask for more information or to speak to someone else if I feel it is the best thing for my baby and I.  I wish I had the same confidence at 23 as when I look back at my pregnancy care, I see the gaps where things could have and should have been better.  I feel more comfortable making decisions now, more able to say no to things and to put myself first and more secure.

I definitely feel older this time around and I will be 34 before I deliver this baby but I am hoping being older and more experienced will mean I don't take any of it for granted.  At the moment I am in that wonderful middle trimester where I am growing but not too uncomfortable but I am already concerned that the last trimester might be a bit of shock to my body too if the first was!

If you have had pregnancies with a big age gap did you notice a difference?

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One Term In

It felt at times like they would never return to school.  The six months we had was wonderful and exhausting, full of joy and fear and we all learned so much (definitely more about life than the national curriculum).  We adapted, slowly at first to this 'new normal' that was thrust upon us.  I got my babies back after losing part of them to school, I got time to invest in myself, which is strange to admit when I was also parenting full time, mostly alone with little respite. I went from a state of worry to one of acceptance and we found our way through those long days together.

And then September came and everything changed.  It was wonderful and exhausting all over again, full of joy and fear and we all had to adapt to a new routine, new expectations, things being a little bit like they were 'before' but not quite the same.  We all took to it differently.  Two children happy to be back to school, something they had been counting down to for weeks, one excited to start Reception at big school and one who really isn't convinced school is for him.  I was nervous about the new starter and overwhelmed by the multiple school runs and the different rules between the schools (One are allowed to bring books home, one aren't.  One school allows school bags, one doesn't. . . ) and then everything fell into place. I remembered which children had packed lunch on which days (all three boys have different lunch/school dinner requests), I remembered which children had to wear pe kits in on which days and then Cora started doing full days at school rather than 2 hour sessions and all of a sudden we were there.

After months of not having to worry about getting ready and leaving the house very much, we also had to start getting things ready for the transition. Buying supplies, new clothes, new shoes, doctor’s appointments, and new glasses. Luckily you can visit website to try on glasses to make the process easier. But finally we were ready to begin.

For 9 years I have had a child at home and this moment felt like it would never arrive, but it did and all four children were happy in full time school.  I thought I would be more emotional than I was but I think after those long six months, I was ready for a break, some time for me, time to get through the to do list that I had been putting off for six months.  

Today the bigger two break up for a two week half term and next Thursday the smaller two will join them and it can't come soon enough.  Those first weeks were hard, I had to meet them at school with a sugary snack and hope they didn't crash before they got home.  Their brains were working hard, they were having to be social with people they didn't live with and it all combined to completely exhaust them.  After a while they seemed better able to function (just in time for swimming lessons to recommence) and we had a short period of everything feeling settled but now they are getting harder to wake in the morning, I can see how much they need a break and I am excited to spend some quality time with them again rather than just trying to get through the afternoons after school without too much drama.  We are going to relax, take the mornings slowly and as everyone starts to regain energy, we will get out more and have our own covid-compliant adventures. 

This first term has shown me how resilient my children are, how well they can adapt, how much they can learn when they have a teacher who isn't also trying to be a parent, dinner lady, cook and cleaner and how much we all needed a little time apart to make our time together feel more special.  I have learned how short those 6 hours really are when you are trying to get things done, and also that having time for myself during the day doesn't magically make me a more patient parent when they get home.  I have learned that the worst thing I can do as a parent is not meet them at the school gate with a snack and that it doesn't matter how big a packed lunch I send them in with, they will be starving every moment from when school ends until their eyes finally close for the night.  I feel sad that their first terms back were not everything they were looking forward to, something Archie has found particularly difficult with starting a new school.  He looked round on the open day, saw so much he wanted to do but with Covid measures, the only part of the school he has seen this term is his classroom.  I am sad that Finn can't show Cora round after being so excited that his little sister is starting his school as they are in different bubbles and so can't mix.  

The countdown is on now until I pick up Dylan and Archie and the half term holidays start for them.  It has been a really long and also super quick first term and it has been good for all of us.  Now just 4 more days until I can turn off the morning alarm!

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The Rollercoaster

Motherhood is a rollercoaster and sometimes it feels like we are riding it in the dark.  There are those moments where you can't stop smiling, it is exhilerating, exciting, you let go with your hands because you trust that everything is going to be ok.  There are those moments where you can feel yourself climbing, anticipation building, knowing things can go one of two ways - it may be smooth, it may be scary.  Then there are the moments when you are just free falling, you don't know what is coming next, when this bit will end and how you will feel at the end of it.  Your stomach feels like there are butterflies dancing around in it, you cling on to the bars in front of you for dear life and are consumed by the fall.

We are all on different rollercoasters, all similar but all unique.  Some are milder, a bit like the ladybird ride I used to go on as a child at our local theme park, some are more of a loop the loop with your feet dangling down and you can't stop worrying that one of your shoes is about to fall off and get lost in the blur underneath you.  Being in the dark though, we can't see everyone else's rollercoaster, we can't know what kind of ride they are on. 

You know how when you are on some rides there is a little hidden camera? Well I think ours is social media.  Lots of us people know where that camera is, so they can put on a smile at the right place, even when they are scared, even when their feet are dangling.  Others are generally calm and enjoying the ride at that point.  Their smile is genuine, their enthusiasm real.  I want to smile in my pictures.  I want my souvenir from this ride to be the happy memories, the hands in the air, hair flowing in the wind, shoes staying in place smiles and so that is mostly what I share.

To be honest, my rollercoaster is pretty smooth.  My children can be challenging and I will own up to not always knowing how to deal with them best, to getting frustrated, to not parenting how I imagined I would, how I want to.  I can look into other situations with ease but I can't always take a step back from my own to see where I am going wrong.   Some days my children fight and squabble, they throw and most recently they have decided they enjoy flooding the bathroom.  My toddler has spent months refusing to hold my hand or stay with me out and about which resulted in him being in the buggy most of the time as I struggled to keep him safe when he was out of it.  

Through all this, I consider myself a glass half full kinda girl.  I feel lucky to be in the situation I am, privelidged to be their mama and able to stop and see the beauty in our lives every day.  There is a lot of pressure on social media at the moment to be 'real' and not sugar coat things but I think I am real.  I share snippets of our life, the bits I want to remember.  I don't share my whole life and I will own up to having bad days and weeks but ultimately some things have to remain personal.  

I love social media, I find it interesting, inspiring and it encourages me to see things from a different point of view.  It shows me an insight into other people's rollercoasters and I can share bits of mine.  After having a difficult time with Finn, we have reached a period of calm, we can relax a bit more, enjoy him more and everyone is benefiting.  I don't doubt that the next hill is on the way (especially since Cora is so nearly crawling) but for now, things are smooth, we are mostly pretty happy and we are smiling for the camera.

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The Mummy Adventure

I do my best thinking when I am walking.  It seems so cruel that I feel at my most creative when I don't have an opportunity to record it and I often compose whole blog posts in my head that I cannot recreate at all when I finally put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.  This is one of those.

After two years and three months of recording our lives, I thought I would explain why I called my little space on the internet 'The Mummy Adventure'.  I have touched on it in the past, but I wanted to try and put into words the thought behind the name.

I don't think being a mother is a job.  I don't see it as a role or an occupation.  I see motherhood as a journey, an adventure.  It doesn't matter if your child was planned and longed for or a careless accident after a few too many tequilas on a Friday night.  It doesn't matter if it took 10 years of trying, hormone treatments and IVF or those two blue lines appeared completely unexpectedly.  It doesn't matter if your child has your genetics or not.  That first time that you touch those tiny little fingers, the first time you see those ten precious toes, the first time you hear those little lungs announcing his arrival, that is the very first day.

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Mother's Day

March brings Mother's Day, something that is even more special now I have children to share it with.  Not only do I get to recognise the amazing woman that my mother is and the wonderful Grandma that she is to my boys, but I have an opportunity to stop and realise how lucky I am to be a Mummy to two beautiful children myself.

I always knew that I wanted children, although the number or the time frame was something I didn't need to worry about until the future, or so I thought.  Motherhood came from nowhere for me and in some ways I was lucky, never having to go through the tough times of trying without luck, or the heartbreak of loss.  The reality is that it came with its own struggles, the not knowing, the newness, the beginning of a relationship.  One day I was a girl, the next a mother, carrying a tiny human being inside of me.

Motherhood was a journey, through pregnancy, birth and those newborn days and is still a journey now, an adventure.  I have two little people that call me Mummy, that make me question everything I thought I knew, and every part of me.  Two children that want cuddles from their mummy before bed, who want to hold my hands as we walk, who want to snuggle with me on the sofa.  Two children that need me to teach them, to cook for them, to fix their woes and kiss every hurt better.  Two children that need me as much as I need them.

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This Moment

The days are always long and sometimes hard.  They are filled with smiles, tears, laughter and kisses and no two days are the same.  When it comes to 7pm though, I am more than happy to take my two little men to bed.

After bath time comes pajamas and we walk up the stairs together to brush Dylan's teeth.  He loves to wash his hands at the moment so of course we give them a thorough scrub afterwards before going into his bedroom.  The chair has been moved now, so we sit on his old cot mattress and some cushions on the floor and we read a story.  He is loving his Henry Hugglewug book at the moment, but the Gruffalo is our go-to book most days and he loves reading it by himself after we have read it together.

I tuck Dylan up in bed with Ducky, bear, owl, penguin, dog, penguin cushion and his blanket (he likes to name each one as we put him down), shut his curtains and kiss him goodnight, reminding him that he is my beautiful boy and that I love him.  

I leave the room with Archie, and walk a few steps down the hallway to his room.  His room is light and fresh with the white walls, simple decor and lack of clutter and we both seem to feel instantly calm as we step in.  We settle in the nursing chair that once occupied a corner of his big brother's room and forego the stool.  I curl my legs up and wrap my body around him and as his desperation reaches a pinnacle, he latches on to feed and I hear a shudder and a sigh of satisfaction.  

This is the moment where I sit and smile.  

I look down at his beautiful soft white skin and the bright blue eyes that are slowly closing beneath his long long lashes.  The little button nose and those perfect lips that are earnestly working for more milk.  The tufty hair that grows up and out and in the palest shade of blonde. making him look like he has permanent bed head and his little body curled up in mine.

I watch his chubby fingers cling onto my skin, massaging it, pinching it and holding on to me.  Finally they start to settle and his energetic legs feel heavy in my lap.  My beautiful boy is falling asleep and as I watch his innocent, angelic face fall calm, I hear another little voice call out from a cot just down the hall,

'Nun night Mummy, luff loo. Nun night Daddy, luff loo, Nun night Archie, luff Loo'

This moment is perfect.  This moment is everyday, it is magical, it is ordinary, it is a privilege, it is perfect. 

This is the moment I forget everything else and realise quite how amazing being a Mummy can be.  This is the moment that nothing else matters but my two beautiful boys and I feel like I could sit there all night staring at this amazing creature that I created who is now nestled into me deep in slumber.  I reflect on the day, choosing the good bits to remember and cast the rest aside, and I know that however tiring and stressful the next day may be, I will have this moment to look forward to, this small moment of bliss where I know I am exactly where I need to be.

This is the moment I know one day will be a thing of the past.  Dylan won't always be so sweet and innocent and Archie will learn to put himself to sleep. 

Right now though, this is the moment that makes me smile even though no-one can see it. 

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Happy

           My life is certainly not perfect.  Sometimes Dylan can play up so badly that all I want to do is walk away and pretend that I don't know him.  Sometimes Archie wants feeding every single hour and I am completely and utterly exhausted.  Sometimes the bloke leaves chocolate wrappers all over the floor and I have to explain to an excited toddler in the morning that yes they are chocolate, but no he cannot have any.

There will always be things that I want to change, I mean who doesn't want to be a little richer, a tad slimmer, or have roots that dye themselves.  There will always be things that I could have done differently and one little decision somewhere along the way could have changed the course of things completely.

I have made the choices that got me to this place in my life though.  Rightly or wrongly I have made every single one, and I like to think I have no regrets.  I found myself pregnant three months into a new relationship but if I hadn't have put everything into that relationship then I wouldn't have my beautiful family.

Dylan may have his moments, but do you know what?  He is a toddler and he is discovering his boundaries.  With every tantrum he is learning where he stands and I am learning right along side him.  Archie may be a bit of a milk monster, but this part of his life will be gone in a flash and when I look back, I will be able to say I was there for every single second of it!  When he smiled at me for the first time this week, his face lit up and every difficult moment was worthwhile.

Every now and again I like to just take a step back and take in the fact that I am happy.  I have a partner that loves and supports me and two beautiful children who challenge me and force me to become a better person.  Even when I feel far from perfect, they are a constant reminder that I did something perfectly right.  I have a close family, enough money to enjoy the occasional meal out and a blog which not only satisfies my need to write but gives me a journal of our lives to look back on.  I have opportunities, an education and a future to look forward to- wherever it may lead.

I am happy with where I am and where I am going and in a world with so much negativity, I am even happier to be able to say that.  I think sometimes we need to be able to float above ourselves and look down to see quite how lucky we are.  I refuse to judge my life compared to someone else's as we are all individuals.  

I may need reminding when I am up at 3am for the eleventy billionth night feed that the cuddles are completely worth it but quite honestly, I wouldn't change a thing right now.

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