Motherhood is a rollercoaster and sometimes it feels like we are riding it in the dark. There are those moments where you can't stop smiling, it is exhilerating, exciting, you let go with your hands because you trust that everything is going to be ok. There are those moments where you can feel yourself climbing, anticipation building, knowing things can go one of two ways - it may be smooth, it may be scary. Then there are the moments when you are just free falling, you don't know what is coming next, when this bit will end and how you will feel at the end of it. Your stomach feels like there are butterflies dancing around in it, you cling on to the bars in front of you for dear life and are consumed by the fall.
We are all on different rollercoasters, all similar but all unique. Some are milder, a bit like the ladybird ride I used to go on as a child at our local theme park, some are more of a loop the loop with your feet dangling down and you can't stop worrying that one of your shoes is about to fall off and get lost in the blur underneath you. Being in the dark though, we can't see everyone else's rollercoaster, we can't know what kind of ride they are on.
You know how when you are on some rides there is a little hidden camera? Well I think ours is social media. Lots of us people know where that camera is, so they can put on a smile at the right place, even when they are scared, even when their feet are dangling. Others are generally calm and enjoying the ride at that point. Their smile is genuine, their enthusiasm real. I want to smile in my pictures. I want my souvenir from this ride to be the happy memories, the hands in the air, hair flowing in the wind, shoes staying in place smiles and so that is mostly what I share.
To be honest, my rollercoaster is pretty smooth. My children can be challenging and I will own up to not always knowing how to deal with them best, to getting frustrated, to not parenting how I imagined I would, how I want to. I can look into other situations with ease but I can't always take a step back from my own to see where I am going wrong. Some days my children fight and squabble, they throw and most recently they have decided they enjoy flooding the bathroom. My toddler has spent months refusing to hold my hand or stay with me out and about which resulted in him being in the buggy most of the time as I struggled to keep him safe when he was out of it.
Through all this, I consider myself a glass half full kinda girl. I feel lucky to be in the situation I am, privelidged to be their mama and able to stop and see the beauty in our lives every day. There is a lot of pressure on social media at the moment to be 'real' and not sugar coat things but I think I am real. I share snippets of our life, the bits I want to remember. I don't share my whole life and I will own up to having bad days and weeks but ultimately some things have to remain personal.
I love social media, I find it interesting, inspiring and it encourages me to see things from a different point of view. It shows me an insight into other people's rollercoasters and I can share bits of mine. After having a difficult time with Finn, we have reached a period of calm, we can relax a bit more, enjoy him more and everyone is benefiting. I don't doubt that the next hill is on the way (especially since Cora is so nearly crawling) but for now, things are smooth, we are mostly pretty happy and we are smiling for the camera.
