Our Feeding Journey

It is fair to say that Finn's first three months have been rocky.  After being born with a virus, he has undergone all sorts of tests and procedures, and we have found a second home in the hospital. We seem to finally be coming out the other side of the newborn blur though, and I have discovered that we are going to have to do things Finn's way rather than mine.

I knew way before Finn was born that I wanted to breastfeed.  I had fed both of his brothers, for 9 months and 16 months and it was what felt natural to me.  I had enjoyed it, both my children were born already seeming to know how and it was certainly easy, especially once you got past those first few weeks.  Finn latched on well after birth, and we had 48 hours of breastfeeding on demand.

After his admission to special care, the testing started, and to rule out a rare disease called galactosaemia, we were told Finn must stop breastfeeding, and instead have a soya based formula until we had the all clear.  I was so determined that we should do everything we could to establish breastfeeding, that the nurses and I decided he would be cup fed, to avoid the nipple confusion of a bottle, and I was set up with an electric pump and a space in the freezer.  The results took far longer to come back than we expected and it wasn't until 8 days later that I was finally allowed to breastfeed again.  Finn was 10 days old, the freezer was so full after 8 days of expressing every 3 hours and I didn't realise how hard it would be to teach a baby to breastfeed again.

We struggled, and he was topped up via his nasogastric tube when he didn't seem to be taking enough, but after 12 hours a lovely nurse told me he could come into my room, and we would stop topping him up for 24 hours to give him a chance to really 'get it'.  He seemed to get back into feeding, and I prioritised getting milk into him over anything else.  I ended up very sore, but after 3 days and lots of work his latch started to right itself and he was putting on weight.

We left the hospital when he was 3 weeks old, and he seemed to be feeding very well.  Our first weigh in with the health visitor showed that he had lost weight though, and so we were started on weekly weigh ins.  We tried everything to encourage him to grow, he was checked for tongue and lip tie, I saw lactation consultants, ate super foods, topped up with expressed milk and tried to feed him every 2 hours.  At 7 weeks he was still only just maintaining his birth weight and not growing, so we were sent to the hospital.

The doctor believed that for one reason or another, the quality of my milk was the cause, as there was no doubt that I had enough, and he was started on formula alongside the breastfeeding.  He grew a huge amount in that first week, but by the end of it, he was refusing to breastfeed and the stress of the whole situation meant that my milk was drying up.  After trying everything I could to maintain our feeding, I knew I had to just embrace the bottles, but it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I didn't realise how much I wanted to, needed to breastfeed.  So much was out of my control with this virus, my baby had been through so much and I needed it to be me that was doing something nobody else could.  I cried for days, weeks over the decision, constantly wondering whether there was something else I could have done, did I give up too easily?  I knew deep down that whilst breast is undoubtably best, sometimes it just isn't, and my child seemed to be thriving on this formula milk, getting stronger and healthier by the day, losing the grey colouring he had acquired and putting on weight.

Fast forward another couple of weeks, and his weight plateaued again.  He was so unhappy, constantly seeming in pain, not letting me ever put him down and after a week where he grew so fast, stopping again.   We ended up back in hospital as he turned 11 weeks, and were sent home with a tin of hypoallergenic dairy free, soya free formula, in the hope that the issue was with a dairy intolerance.

We were told that it takes about 2 weeks for it to really kick in, but it took about 6 days before I knew we had finally got an answer.  Finn is like a new baby on this milk, he smiles more, he is more content, I can put him down, he will lie on his back and he is not in pain.  For the past 4 weeks he has been growing at a great rate and I hope it continues this way now.

Alongside all this, he was diagnosed with reflux and so takes medication for that, to stop him projectile vomiting all his milk back up.  He is still very sicky, possibly as a result of the toxic medication he had for his first weeks of life and having an ng tube that may have hindered his developing esophagus, but it isn't preventing him from growing now. 

I knew I was going to breastfeed Finn, I thought it would be beyond a year, and I never dreamed it would all be over before he was 2 months old.  I am still absolutely gutted that things had to come to an end before I felt ready, and bottle feeding is so much more difficult, so much harder work.  I had to do what was best for my son though, and it turns out that for him, that isn't my milk.  I think we have finally found the answer, and I just hope that he carries on growing now.

Finn is loved beyond belief, he is fed on demand and he is happy and healthy.  I still get upset about how things have worked out, but I have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture - my baby is thriving, finally and our bond is as strong as ever.