The Last Firsts

Every first is exciting and we are experiencing them so regularly.  First smiles, first steps, first day at school.  Dylan had his first sports day recently and it was amazing watching him run alongside his class,  playing as a team, jumping in a sack.  With Cora we are dealing with the last firsts though.  She is our last baby, the final member of our team and her firsts will be the last ones we marvel at, the last ones I photograph with joy, the last ones we proudly share with the world.  

Cora's first day was the last time I will hold a brand new baby of my own.  Her first bath was the last time I will cuddle a baby so tiny in the water, her first steps will signify the end of having a baby in our house.

Everything about knowing she is our last baby is emotional.  I love this stage, the squishy newborn bubble of sleep deprivation, nappy changing and sleepy cuddles.  I know how quickly these early days go and I still can't get my head around the fact that this baby girl of ours is already six weeks old.  Every day feels so precious knowing I will never hold my baby this small and fragile again.  Every first of hers is a last for me and every day, week and month that passes is a step closer to the next stage and the end of this one.

Dylan's first are so exciting, a step forward, something new for us all.  Archie's are anticipated and amazing still, Finn's are so special as we remember how far he has come and Cora's are wonderful and slightly sad at the same time.  Today I packed away her 'up to one month' clothes, and they are going to be passed on to another newborn, not saved for one of mine.

This is the last time I will watch the boys welcome a new sibling, watch their faces as they take in how tiny this new person is, watch the beginnings of their relationship.  I am taking comfort in the fact I get to watch it all develop, see them grow together hoping the four of them stay close.

The first big smile that I am so eagerly awaiting will be the last time I spend so long trying to get a baby to show me affection.  The first time Cora starts to crawl will be the last time that we babyproof the house, her first day of school will by the end of having a child at home.  I am so excited to be part of their childhoods, so blessed to be their mother and get to experience it all, but please can we just slow things down a little? I am not ready for any more last firsts.

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A Homebirth Birth Story

If you had asked me in my first three pregnancies whether I wanted a homebirth, I wouldn't have been able to say no quick enough.  I didn't understand the appeal, I felt comforted and safe in a medical environment and giving birth in the hospital was just what people did.  This time though, it felt different and I decided very early on that I wanted to this baby at home.  I had had three complication free births, one in the labour ward and two in the local midwife unit and so I had a lot of faith in my body and its ability to birth.

I brought up the idea at my booking appointment and my thoughts were recorded and throughout the pregnancy it was agreed that I was low risk.  It became more of a question when they decided that our baby was very large, but the consultant was happy to sign off on a homebirth and from 37 weeks we were all good to go.

I had decided that Sunday night would be a really convenient time to give birth, so the Sunday before my due date I felt a bit restless. I walked into town to pick up some last minute bits and went for a long walk along the esplanade.  I watched films sat on my birthing ball but went to bed a bit deflated that nothing was happening.  I don't know why I expected it would, but I had got my hopes a bit too high.

I woke up on Monday morning around 4am with a mild contraction.  I was pretty convinced that it was a contraction rather than a Braxton hicks but it was mild and I dozed on and off the rest of the night waking slightly for some surges but nothing big.  I got up at 7:30 and we got the boys ready for school.  I asked the bloke to take them as I felt like I wanted to be at home.  I spoke to my mum and she offered to take Finn for a few hours so that I could concentrate on what my body was doing.  Things were getting stronger but they were still incredibly irregular.  I felt confident that this was the start of it all, but I didn't know how long this early labour stage would last.  

At 10am I rang the hospital to let them know that I was in early labour and whilst I didn't need a midwife yet, I wanted to make sure that everything was still in place and that the midwives were on call.  They took my details and I was told a midwife would ring me later.  I started tidying up the living room and creating a cosy area with everything I would need for the birth.

The midwife rang me at 10:45 and as she was in the area she wanted to come and start the paperwork.  She got to me at 11am and typically I didn't have a contraction for the first 20 minutes that she was there.  My contractions were incredibly irregular with three in ten minutes followed by a 10 minute break and just all over the place.  My body told me to walk though and that is what I did, around the house and up and down the stairs.  The midwife took my blood pressure and felt my belly and told me that baby wasn't yet engaged but was head down.  At 11:50am she suggested that she go away for a while and come back once I was in established labour.  At this point my contractions had really stepped up and whilst they weren't regular in duration or time, I knew that my body works fast.  We agreed that she would examine me and her shock was evident when she declared me 4cm.  

As I have a history of short established labour she decided to stay.  She wrote a few notes whilst I got comfy in my birthing space and started on the gas and air.  She rang the second midwife to let her know that she had time to finish up her visit but that she should head over soon.  

Everything suddenly became very familiar- the nausea, the intensity, the doubt in myself and the urge to push.  Leaning over the sofa I let my body do what it needed to without me trying.  It was at this point that the midwife suddenly grabbed her gloves and apron and put them on as quick as she could.  I tried to let my body birth the baby and it did without me really pushing.  The waters broke as her head came out and at 12:31pm our little girl arrived.  She was passed up through my legs and I sank into the sofa with my baby.  She had started crying before her shoulders were born and she was pink and beautiful.  

We cuddled up on the sofa for some skin to skin and the second midwife and her student arrived.  Everything was so calm, the bloke made us all tea and the biscuits came out.  I was left to have skin to skin and feed the baby for the first hour with no intervention and then she was weighed and checked over whilst I delivered the placenta.  She was much smaller than we were expecting and a healthy 7lb 13oz.  Everyone cleared up around me and it wasn't long until the house looked tidier than it had that morning.

After two hours the midwives left and it felt so strange and wonderfully to already be in our home.  I could take a shower without having to wear flip flops, choose my comfiest clothes and spend as long having skin to skin as we wanted.  The bloke left at three to go and collect the big boys from school and nursery and when he came home the baby and I were snuggled on the sofa ready to meet them.

In some ways having a home birth felt like less of a 'big thing' - there was no coming home outfit to plan, no posing with the car seat as we leave the hospital, no big balloons, but it was the perfect decision for us.  It was quiet and comfortable and our baby girl was so alert and calm from the beginning - I am wondering whether this is a reflection of her entrance into the world and first hours.  We had everything we needed and I could listen to my body completely.  The midwives were respectful of my wishes and birth plan and I felt incredibly supported at every point.

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7 Months Pregnant

32 weeks pregnant, 7 months pregnant, fourth baby, big bump

This update was due a few days ago, but following the theme of this pregnancy, I am pretty laid back and disorganised so it is only just making it on to the blog.  There is now less than two months until my due date which means it is about time I started getting sorted!

I am pretty relaxed and by that I mean not ready in the slightest, but I know if the baby was to come now we wouldn't be bringing her straight home anyway so we still have time.  Even if I stay in this state (denial) until later on, newborns really don't need much, I have boobs, we have nappies and a few tiny clothes and I found for those first days my babies were not going to sleep anywhere but on me so we have time to build the Snuzpod crib.

That said, my plan for the next week involves buying a chest of drawers so that I can organise this little girl's clothes rather than having them in random boxes and bags around the house and work out if there is anything we still need.  I need to wash all the material on the Snuzpod as well so that it is ready to be built once we reach full term.  The plan is still to have a homebirth so rather than a hospital bag I am planning a birthing basket - something I will share more about nearer the time.

Symptom wise I feel like my growth has really slowed down now and I don't look quite so different from other people reaching the seven month milestone.  I still get looks of horror when I mention I have 8 weeks left and that I am not due until July but I don't feel as big as I was.  I have the midwife again later this week so we will see how the bump is growing.

The aches and pains seem to be lessening since baby turned head down, although getting up from the sofa in the evening is definitely a challenge and I have to waddle a little while before my pelvis clicks back into place.  This past month has seen lots of outdoor adventures, big days out and long days on my feet which hasn't really been a problem, well until I sit down at the end of the day anyway.

My cravings can generally be summed up as 'food', but if I could live off of Pizza, Coca Cola and chocolate I definitely would.  The bloke isn't always convinced by my choice of toppings but they always taste great to me!

Heartburn is my new symptom and I don't think I have it bad as I haven't had to use medication yet.  I think mine is more down to not eating regularly rather than eating the wrong food as it tends to start up if I go longer than 3-4 hours without food.  Somehow I seem to have more energy at this point in pregnancy than I have all the way through so far but I am not expecting it to last as my due date gets closer. 

Dylan is asking a lot of questions about the baby, Archie is very curious and Finn is still completely oblivious to the fact his days of being the baby of the family are numbered.  In fact, Finn has suddenly become very clingy wanting to be in my arms all the time, I don't know whether he is starting to sense change or it is just a developmental thing.  I have a feeling my lap is going to be as full as my heart once this little one arrives!

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When Pregnancy is Tough

I have spent three pregnancies feeling overwhelmingly happy.  I skipped the morning sickness, the heartburn and the strange cravings, I grew a bump perfectly round and all out front and managed to enjoy pretty much every moment.  Of course there were bits that were tough, I lost sight of my feet pretty early on, I got out of breath walking up hills and I got really tired.  Overall though, I sailed through those first three pregnancies, I loved the whole experience and couldn't wait to do it all again.

This fourth one though, it isn't the same at all.  From the beginning this pregnancy has been tough, there have been more tears and more pain than the other three combined.

I still don't have it bad, somehow I managed to skip the nausea and morning sickness for the fourth time and for that I am ever grateful, but the first trimester tiredness was just debilitating.  I could barely function as a human let alone a parent and our house descended into chaos as I thanked the TV gods that Blaze and the Monster Machines was on pretty much constantly on Nikolodeon.  Toys piled up, washing overflowed, dishes were left dirty for far too long and bed sheets were rarely washed.

I felt like I should be enjoying our little secret, this fourth and very much final baby I was growing, but instead I just felt tired, overwhelmingly tired.  The first trimester problems seemed to clear up slightly at around 16 weeks and I had a few weeks of respite, but way before I reached the final trimester, things started to get tough again.  I am not getting any younger, my body has carried four babies in four years, my pelvic floor muscles may not be as strong as they once were and this little madam I am growing is already rather large.  My back started to struggle first, and rather than taking it easy, I chose to power through, something I am now regretting.

Somedays I am fine, others I can barely walk by the evening, the bottom of my back aches, I feel bruised and heavy and this baby is nestled (breech) very low in my pelvis.  My body is struggling this time and things that I am so used to doing throughout pregnancy are getting harder.  My pace is slowing, my ability to lift my children comes with a sacrifice of an evening of pain, because quite frankly they are pretty heavy boys.

And on top of this, I really understand what people mean by pregnancy hormones.  I cry more than ever, but I also feel overwhelming love more often.  I need time to myself every day to be a tolerant person and that doesn't come easily with three small people who need me.  My moods can dip unexpectedly and nothing can pull me out and my patience wears thin very quickly.

I love pregnancy, and I still do, despite everything.  I am not ready for this little one to arrive, I want to grow bigger, to feel her kicking from the inside a little longer, to embrace my changing shape and watch this miracle happening.  I am still amazed every time I look down, I still smile and rest my hands on my tummy everytime she kicks and I want to savour each moment, each final week with her safely inside, and my three boys just the way they are.

But this pregnancy is tough both physically and emotionally.  I feel stressed and tired and achey and moody and I never expected it to be this difficult, especially not with 10 weeks still to go.

I wouldn't give up the chance to carry this baby for anything, I know how lucky we are to be adding another member to our team, I really do know how lucky I am, but it doesn't mean that pregnancy isn't tough sometimes.

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