Finn and I

It began with a struggle, coming to terms with a third baby growing inside me, a baby so so wanted, but so so unplanned as well.  The bond wasn't instant, I felt tiredness more than love, and it took a while for it to sink in that this was a third little person growing inside of me.

I worried throughout the pregnancy that I hadn't spent enough time enjoying the moment, but that is what happens when you have two small toddlers running around.  With my first, I would relax in the bath every evening, telling my growing bump about my day, singing songs that he heard so often they calmed him instantly as a newborn and getting to know the tiny soul.  With Finn, my baths at the end of the day were to calm me down and help me sleep, he heard my voice and my songs as I sung to his brothers, but little attention was his own.

I found out at twenty weeks that I was growing a third little boy, and I started to plan for him,  thinking  of names, choosing clothes and things for his room, but still I didn't feel as connected as I had the first time.

When labour began, I went into my own little zone, suddenly it was just me and him, and everything seemed so real.  I was excited, exhausted, in pain and in love all at the same time.  It wasn't long until I was holding this child in my arms, so much smaller and more fragile than I remember the other boys being, so perfect and beautiful, a surprise that we had been anticipating for months.  I loved him from the beginning, I always had, but now it was different, he was so real and I was smitten.

I acted the same way all new parents do, counting those tiny digits, watching his face screw up to scream and relax as he was comforted.  I didn't want to let go, to put him down, he snuggled into me and I stayed awake as he slept on my chest, the bloke snoring away next to us after a sleepless night.  I counted my blessings, longing to see my other babies, to have our family complete and  together, to see the wonder in their little faces, to see their reactions.

We had to stay in overnight, and as much as I was desperate to take my baby home, I looked at it as time to bond, without anyone else to disrupt us.  We had a private room and whilst conditions were not ideal as Finn had to stay in the billibag to help with his jaundice it was just us two.  The night was difficult, with my baby boy so unsettled away from my side and in the morning he was taken to SCBU to find out what was wrong.  I was still a patient in the maternity ward, which meant he was wheeled away by the doctor as I waited to be discharged so I could follow him.

They took my baby away, he was only hours old and I was devastated - that I couldn't comfort him, that something was wrong, that he wasn't by my side.  We were told that it wasn't normal, that his liver was struggling and that he would need to undergo numerous tests to get to the bottom of it.

It was then that I realised how fierce my love for him was.  How intense and all consuming it was, there was nothing in the world but my baby boy and I.  I didn't see other mums as I walked the corridors to find him, I didn't hear any of the other newborn cries, I knew they weren't my newborn and I needed to be with him.

I barely left his side for the 19 days we spent in special care.  The unit was not set up for parents to stay, but I made it clear that I wasn't leaving and they adapted.  I love my other children, but my baby was the one that needed me most right then and I needed him right back.  Every moment I could hold him, I did, every piece of care I was allowed, I took, until he and I were living alone together, seeing the nurses only when he needed his drugs.  It was intense, we were alone in one room all day and night, we had visitors, but it was just us, no long walks, social groups, distractions, just us.  

Even now, I sometimes feel like it is just Finn and I, despite only having a few hours on a Tuesday when his big brothers are at nursery and it really is just us.  We went through so much in those early hours, in those first weeks and I feel a love so intense for him, that I can't comprehend how I ever doubted it.  Every night when he wakes up for a feed, I feel tired, exhausted even, resentful sometimes and then at peace, as we snuggle up together. I see his angry, hungry face settle into a contentment and I know that even though he is drinking from a bottle rather than a breast, this is something only I can do for him, only I can comfort him like a mother, wake up at the slightest noise, because we are still so in tune with each other, and stay up even once he has fallen back asleep just to watch his chest rise and fall as I know how fast this period of his life will go.


Finn and I have something special, a mother and son bond, what we have been through these past 4 months, we have been through together.  I love him no more and no less than I do Dylan and Archie, but differently.  He is our last, my baby and him and I, well we are snuggled up as I type this and I just don't want to put him down.

Did you know I am a finalist in the MAD awards in the best pregnancy category?  I loved recording my pregnancy with Finn and if you can spare 30 seconds I would love for you to vote for The Mummy Adventure - you can do it here

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A Father and Son

With the newest member of the family being exclusively breastfed, it means that any one-on-one time with the boys is often Archie with me, and the bloke with Dylan.  There are upsides and downsides to this but at the moment I am loving watching the bond grow between my son and his father.

They are as thick as thieves as I see the bloke sneaking Dylan chocolate raisins behind my back and there is constant giggling coming from them when they are together.  Their bedtime routine now involves a 'flip' as Dylan is somersaulted over the bloke as they lie on the floor, and flying superman-style up the stairs.

say Cheese!

Daddy has always been in charge of bath time, and I can guarantee that by the end both boys will be completely worn out, and that my bathroom floor will be soaked! It is their time to unwind after the day and the excitement on Dylan's face when we suggest it is bathtime is lovely to see as he scrambles up the stairs as fast as he can. 

The boys have their own games, their own words and their own special moments and as Dylan's language grows I can only see the bond between them getting stronger. The bloke is a great dad with a baby but I can see that he is in his element with a walking talking toddler to play with.  

I am loving having bonding time with Archie and I know that once he is a little more independent he will join the boy's club and I will be left looking on.  Luckily I love to watch my boys, and I may get to drink my tea in peace then!

Did you find that your partner bonded more during the toddler years?

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Special Times

I spent 90% of my week with my son and am priviledged to be watching him grow up into a gorgeous and clever little boy. We do so much together, from toddler groups, meal times, trips out and chores, but some days are just special.  Maybe there are a few more treats, or I am feeling a bit more relaxed, but we definitely have special moments whether they are planned or unplanned.

Every day with him is precious, but it is these special days that I will really miss when there is an extra little person.  I'm sure they will be just as amazing if not more with both of my boys around, but there is something about our mother-son bonding days that I will always treasure.

Some days we take a walk into town, and I have him in the parent facing buggy so we sing all the way down, giggling as we walk. I let him out and we explore the little things together, from jumping in puddles to pointing out every single car we see.   We may go into a little cafe, and share a cake.  I may treat him to some juice, and let him drink it from a big cup with a straw.  It is just the two of us though, and we go off into our own little world where nobody else exists.

Sometimes our special times are at home, and we will crawl around the living room floor together giggling and making silly noises, before collapsing in a heap and having the most perfect cuddles.  

Sometimes our special moments are when we are killing time and we make up our own games and get lost in them.

Every time is different, but every time I am aware that we are sharing something so special, so perfect and that we will never have that particular experience again.  I try my hardest to take in every little bit of his beautiful smile and remember the sound of his laugh.  I take mental pictures of us running along the seafront together or sat in the cafe having a cuddle and a glass of milk.  Most of the time I am too busy enjoying myself to even think about getting my camera out.

Today was one of those days . It started off special - even breakfast felt exciting.  We had things to do and got the train to Canterbury for a day out together.  We sat down and shared one of our favourite dinners in a restaurant together, doing some colouring and playing with our food.  I didn't care if we laughed too loudly or broke the rules as we were happy.  We walked around the town together, playing peekaboo and touching everything.  We splashed through puddles in the park without a care in the world and with Dylan in the pushchair I stomped up and ran down the same hill hundreds of times just to see the look of joy on his face.

We do all of these things often, but for some reason today felt different - special.  Maybe it is knowing that our little family will be a little bigger by the end of this month.  Maybe it was just a good day.  Either way, it was a perfect one.  I really hope that when the new baby arrives, Dylan and I can still have our special times.  That he will still look at me with those bright blue eyes and cheeky grin like no-one else matters.  I hope that Squish and I can have our own special times too, us against the world.

Giving Dylan a little brother is hopefully one of the best things I can give him - someone to play with, teach, fight with and learn from.  I just hope that he still needs me just as much!

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