After bath time comes pajamas and we walk up the stairs together to brush Dylan's teeth. He loves to wash his hands at the moment so of course we give them a thorough scrub afterwards before going into his bedroom. The chair has been moved now, so we sit on his old cot mattress and some cushions on the floor and we read a story. He is loving his Henry Hugglewug book at the moment, but the Gruffalo is our go-to book most days and he loves reading it by himself after we have read it together.
I tuck Dylan up in bed with Ducky, bear, owl, penguin, dog, penguin cushion and his blanket (he likes to name each one as we put him down), shut his curtains and kiss him goodnight, reminding him that he is my beautiful boy and that I love him.
I leave the room with Archie, and walk a few steps down the hallway to his room. His room is light and fresh with the white walls, simple decor and lack of clutter and we both seem to feel instantly calm as we step in. We settle in the nursing chair that once occupied a corner of his big brother's room and forego the stool. I curl my legs up and wrap my body around him and as his desperation reaches a pinnacle, he latches on to feed and I hear a shudder and a sigh of satisfaction.
This is the moment where I sit and smile.
I look down at his beautiful soft white skin and the bright blue eyes that are slowly closing beneath his long long lashes. The little button nose and those perfect lips that are earnestly working for more milk. The tufty hair that grows up and out and in the palest shade of blonde. making him look like he has permanent bed head and his little body curled up in mine.
I watch his chubby fingers cling onto my skin, massaging it, pinching it and holding on to me. Finally they start to settle and his energetic legs feel heavy in my lap. My beautiful boy is falling asleep and as I watch his innocent, angelic face fall calm, I hear another little voice call out from a cot just down the hall,
'Nun night Mummy, luff loo. Nun night Daddy, luff loo, Nun night Archie, luff Loo'
This moment is perfect. This moment is everyday, it is magical, it is ordinary, it is a privilege, it is perfect.
This is the moment I forget everything else and realise quite how amazing being a Mummy can be. This is the moment that nothing else matters but my two beautiful boys and I feel like I could sit there all night staring at this amazing creature that I created who is now nestled into me deep in slumber. I reflect on the day, choosing the good bits to remember and cast the rest aside, and I know that however tiring and stressful the next day may be, I will have this moment to look forward to, this small moment of bliss where I know I am exactly where I need to be.
This is the moment I know one day will be a thing of the past. Dylan won't always be so sweet and innocent and Archie will learn to put himself to sleep.
Right now though, this is the moment that makes me smile even though no-one can see it.